(For those of you expecting updates about Lebanon, those will start tomorrow. The following is simply a regular post on my blog. But please read on, if you'd like!)
Seventeen years today a soul has walked, a fragile speck in a sea of greatness here on the face of the earth. And for seventeen years this life has been sustained by the Creator of the universe. I have seen miracle upon miracle, but I still can't wrap my mind around the miracle of God's saving grace to me. Why me? Nothing that I have done deserves anything but holy judgement. And yet He chose to have mercy on a broken, bitter mess.
It's true, I wouldn't even exist if God hadn't preserved my mother's life. A car crushed her vehicle in a terrible car accident. Her seat popped out of position and flew across the car to the passenger's side. All that remained where she had sat a moment before was a twisted, mangled wreck. Her pelvis was broken in five places, but not crushed. The doctors couldn't understand why the injuries were not more severe. Slowly but surely, her pelvis healed.
And one year later, I was born.
It makes me wonder why I was born into such blessings. Why wasn't I born a poor Muslim girl, forced into marriage against my will? Why wasn't I born a desperate African boy, picking through garbage just to satisfy the pain the stomach? Why not a trapped North Korean, or a primitive tribal native, or even the daughter of an atheistic millionaire?
Truly, I am more blessed than I could even comprehend. And when I naturally chose to go my own way down the path of pain and punishment, Jesus stopped and dragged me from sin's tight grasp.
God has faithfully answered countless prayers in my life for people I love. But He's not just been merciful to people in my life - He answered prayers for my dog too.
When I was 11, I finally got what I had been waiting for my whole life... a puppy! I was beside myself with joy the day we went to pick her up.
God has kept Daisy alive through chronic illnesses, car accidents and more. I love her more than anything, and have become inseparably linked to her through nights of tears and days of joy. We've camped together, run together, learned together, and grown together.
I know that when I tell her everything and cry into her fur, she'll just wag her tail and lick me.
So when she was hit by a car, I was terrified. As I cried in the cold waiting room at the vet, I begged God to save her life. He graciously answered my prayers, and fully restored her to me!
I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. I know Daisy is not a person. She's just a dog. Even so, God sustains her life and shows how much He cares for a creature that brings me joy.
Another example of God's mercies in my life occurred over a year ago.
In April 2016, my dad was in a car accident. His car was hit on the driver's side and went hurtling through the intersection, wrapping around a pole. He broke five ribs (on his LEFT side) and got a punctured lung that filled with blood. Though he was close to death, God answered my prayers once again and restored him to full health. Sometimes I forget how close I was to losing my dad completely that snowy spring day.
And what about the miracles that God has worked in this rebel's heart? You may have already heard my testimony. [See "Everlasting Love" blog post]
But even after being saved, there remained deep hurts and issues that I kept suppressing. On the edge of emotional and psychological breakdown, I became more and more depressed with each passing day. I made friends with people who were bad influences and only left me hurt and disappointed. I hid my failures by working harder, sometimes even doing schoolwork past 10pm. My life felt like a facade. God had saved me, I had no doubt about that. But I was still clinging to old ways and refusing to face up to my problems. Through it all, I wrote, oozing my pain and regret through frail veins of ink on paper.
I told people I was alright, but inside I was slowly dying. As I wrote in one place, "I used to feel like my life was an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows. Now it just feels like a never-ending, downward plummet." Drowning in heartache and depression, I reached an ultimate low with suicidal thoughts fermenting in my mind and heart.
I finally came to peace in my heart one late night as I wrote...and surrendered to God.
"I cried. Tonight I cried for my loneliness and my aching heart. I cried because of who I am. I cried because I'm tired of not being good enough. I cried, not with a sobbing scream of anger and bitterness, but with a slow, dull, tightening ache that rose up within my soul like a thin balloon that's been stretched one too many times. I shouldn't write at night like this, but it's when all the words want to come out. They tumble around in my mind until I furiously scribble them down. And the words just keep coming, coming - flowing on under the shadow of my hand in the dim light of the lamp. So much to say, but no one to hear it. Except Jesus, my faithful friend. He's always known me and been by my side. I love him with every drop of blood I've got. He keeps gently showing me that I can be nothing apart from him.
I want to be more intelligent, more athletic. More attractive, more interesting. More kind, more mature, more Christlike. The whole list is selfish. Even my religion has been about my desires - how I can be a more perfect person. Yet the more I accomplish, the more I feel completely empty inside, wanting more. It's like running like a hamster on a wheel, being forced to give power to an insatiable machine.
How do I escape this feeling? I must find healing and fulfillment in Him out of my brokenness.
O when will my aching, weary, pilgrim's heart ever find rest from its feeble struggles? When I rest in Him - the only Enough."
Despite my rebellious attitude that resisted Him, Jesus Christ remained faithful. He never left my side and showed my the way to His light.
"In this wasteland where I'm living
there is a crack in the door filled with Light"
- Wasteland, NeedtoBreathe
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!"
- Lamentations 3:22-23
And I am living proof of His mercies.