Life was clipping along at a hectic pace. Then it all fell apart.
In the past few months, I've felt the beginnings of something new, deep in my soul. Suppressed feelings started to surface more often. The rumblings of huge monsters of bitterness, grief, anger and regret were shaking my soul to the very core. Between trips to Texas, photography, harp gigs, emotional breakdowns, and deadlines for auditions, I was undergoing a tremendous inner struggle. Some days, it felt like everything was caving in on me, and the foundations of my life were crumbling at the same time.
It's like God is gently pulling me apart, piece by piece. Every single area where I look to someone or something other than Him is undergoing painful exposure and change.
No, it hasn't been easy, but I'm overwhelmed by the Lord's faithfulness to me. He is, in fact, giving me assurance of salvation and showing me that He cares so much for my soul that He is not willing to let anything take my focus off of Him. God is making me depend on Him by stripping away the things I lean on. And that's a good thing, despite the heartache and pain involved.
When I think friends are dependable and count on their support, He reveals how fickle their human hearts are. When I take pride in my accomplishments, God brings me low with the realization of how sinful I truly am without His guidance.
With the fresh burst of spring in the air, my tired soul rejoices in the new start God is giving me. Just like the dead-looking tree branches that suddenly burst into bloom, I'm throwing off old feelings and launching into a season of new life.
God has been slowly but surely working in my heart, despite my refusal to talk about my hurts. I have a tendency to silently suffer because I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable - which leads to deep bitterness. I even became slightly proud of being that way; withdrawing and nursing my wounds in self-pity.
An old song called Million Pieces by the Newsboys talks about letting bitterness drag you down and pull your gaze off Christ.
Why you holdin' grudges in old jars?/Why you wanna show off all your scars?/
What's it gonna take to lay a few burdens down?/It's a beautiful sound when they all fall/
Like a million pieces/Fallin' from a blue sky/Kissin' your cares goodbye
You gotta lay that burden down/It's time to leave your burdens in a pile, set a bonfire/
'Cause when you lay your burdens down/When you drop them burdens/
What a free fall, what a thrill/Bury them all in a landfill
The beautiful snow-capped Rockies loom in the distance, and I think of how Jesus has washed me whiter than snow from all my sins. How can I hold on to grudges in light of what He's done for me?
God used the timely encouragement of a mentor to strengthen and speak to me, who suggested that I meditate on Isaiah 43. The following verses were so comforting:
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43:18-19
Look! God is actually commanding us not to hold grudges in this verse - whether it be against others, or even ourselves. He wants us to be cleansed from past griefs, regrets, and unforgiveness.
My weak hands lifted up the old, heavy jars full of grudges, and committed the hurt and anger within to the Lord. Then it was all carried away in the overwhelming tide of Jesus' blood, shed for me. Now those jars are gone - forever - and I can start afresh in paths of new life!
What about you?
Ask the LORD to reveal old hurts you're still hanging onto, and He will. It won't feel comfortable, but God will give you revival and forgiveness towards yourself and others, renewing you in Him.
Carefully read this closing passage from Hebrews 12, which immediately came to my mind while writing this post:
"'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives'...We have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no 'root of bitterness' springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled."
- Hebrews 12:5-6, 9-15
Praise God for the cleansing work He does within us, to rid us of the grudges we so easily cling to!
